So drunk its hurt
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
