So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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