highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Vodka?
Forever.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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