just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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