And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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