Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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