Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
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