It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
