awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
