They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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