We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
