Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
