So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
