the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
The air taste purple.
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