I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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