Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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