i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
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