how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
