I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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