Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize