I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
