Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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