If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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