as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
