I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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