Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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