then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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