I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
