This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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