you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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