He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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