i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
