We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
