so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
