I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize