I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
