I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
