I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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