so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
