Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
