i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
