I wish I could punch you in the face.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
