My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
