I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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