So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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