So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I don't deserve a penis
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
