After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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