No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
