Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
