I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
