and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
