i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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