His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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