im six kinds of drunk right now
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I have already put on my inside pants.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
