I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
