I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Randomize
