you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
