I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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