I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize