i wish my penis had a tongue
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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