i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize