i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
