Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize